Remember

March 7th is the anniversary of a miracle. There was a time when I thought that God didn’t do miracles anymore. I’m not sure why I’ve kept this story close for so long, but it feels like the right time to share it.

Those that knew B as a baby remember how sick he used to be. Pneumonia, bronchitis, and ear infections were commonplace, and by the time he was 2, he was taking regular breathing treatments, for no other reason than because it was winter. Things were rough. In March of 2010, he came down with RSV and H1N1 (now that’s some bad luck). We were in the hospital, not surprisingly, with all of his respiratory issues. It was a scary time for us, as parents. The doctors had started discussions with us about testing for cystic fibrosis and I was trying to keep my composure.

B in the hospital, March of 2010.

After a few days in the hospital, they got B stabilized enough to go home, with the warning that we should be on the lookout for the secondary infections that were, no doubt, coming (ear infections, bacterial pneumonia). We spent a grueling couple of nights with him, and because I know the signs, we started packing for the hospital that Sunday morning. Very early that morning, while I held him, hacking and wheezing, for his breathing treatment, I had written our church with a request that they pray for our baby. I called the pediatrician’s weekend line to tell them that he was coming down with pneumonia, and pulling at his ears. They made an appointment and we prepared to be admitted again.

For some odd reason that I cannot recall, I went into church that morning to sing with the choir, first, though. Ha! I suppose I had a solo, or something. It’s fuzzy. After we sang, a fellow choir member, David, stopped me. I knew David, but not very well. He told me that he had been praying for my son. He sat me down and told me that God had answered his prayer, in a dream, and that He was going to heal B. However, He told me that God required something of both me and my husband: For the next 3 nights, sometime between 12-3am, go get your son and take him where you can see the sky. Pray for him there. Ask forgiveness, ask for what you need for B, and have faith.” He told me, “What you ask of God for your son, there, He will give you.”

He looked me in the eye and in his thick African accent he said, “your faith is strong”. I knew it was over. I was SO. VERY. HAPPY. It was over.

I went to find my husband to tell him what happened, would he have me committed? David was close behind, ready to talk to him. And, I can’t explain it…it was just…True. For a moment, we actually even considered not taking our child to his doctor’s appointment! We did take him, though. We must’ve looked like idiots, grinning from ear to ear as we walked into the after-hours clinic.

She listened to him breathe with the stethoscope to his chest.

She put the stethoscope on his back. She rearranged it…

She waited.

She looked up and said, “His lungs have never sounded so good!”

“I know!! He’s been healed!” I exclaimed! I told her a short version of the morning and left her speechless (probably wondering if she should have me committed).
Then she looked in his ears. Completely clear.
It was over.

The next 3 nights, praying while we faced the stars with our sleeping baby boy, were some of the most awesome nights of my life. I realized during those days, how often people used to pray to God while looking to the sky. I stumbled upon so much scripture that mentioned the stars, the heavens, and the vastness of the skies. My mom excitedly prayed with us, and I will never forget reading scripture with her by phone during those days. When she passed away in October, I found the scrap of paper where she had written these verses and tucked them away:

From Mom

Healing our son was one of God’s gifts to us, but the next 3 days was a gift, too. He showed himself to us. He reminded us that despite this vast, amazing sky that He was capable of making, naming and keeping track of, He knows US. He loves US. We matter so much to Him.

So, we remember each year, on this day, the last time that our baby had pneumonia. The day God visibly touched our family. I wish I knew why it feels like He moves sometimes and why He seems quiet others, but when I’m unsure, I go back to what I know: We are not forgotten. We are loved. We. Are. Loved. Very soon, I’m going to face another difficult week in my life, and I have been letting anxiety creep up on me. What a perfect week to stop and remember.

My Reminder.

Our Mr. David and B

Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:26-31 NIV)

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. (Psalm 8:3-5 NIV)

This Year

Until age 33, I never had a before/after, defining moment in my life. I was actually ok with that. I was appreciative of the fact that nothing had stirred me up so hard that I was wondering if I would recover from it. I thought maybe being appreciative would protect me from one of those moments. I don’t mean to be dramatic (I know, you’re chuckling because I’m a dramatic person), but now I know, at age 33, what some of you have known for some time. I know that there are things you go through in life that you never fully recover from. It was kind of shocking! What?! These bodies that we get, they age…and every now and then, something might happen to this body that is irrevocable. I didn’t expect it this early! I suspected that it had happened as soon as things began going downhill in November, and the doctor that messed up (badly) on my neck procedure tried to hide that he was going pale while explaining that, in short, he didn’t really know why my neck muscles wouldn’t hold my head up anymore. And then when I was admitted to the neuroscience floor for emergency surgery, I couldn’t figure out how this was still my life. What on earth?

Guys, this year has kind of sucked. I know people wanted to tell me that I would recover and be all better soon, but in my gut, I knew something was just so not right. I just recently sat on the couch and told my friend about why January was so dark for me. I was immobilized because of the surgery, but no doctor had ever understood (or explained to me) the muscle injury, and that scared me, and I knew I wouldn’t be the same. It was terrifying to be in that much pain and never know how I would heal. I would cry and cry and cry when my son and husband were gone and then try to pull it together when they were home from school and work. I tried so hard to do some of the things that brought normalcy to my life because that was what brought us all sanity.

I was so embittered that it was stalling our adoption process. I had almost completed our home study that fall, only to now have to prove that I was capable of caring for a child to our social worker (which I wasn’t, for quite some time back then). You can know something is in God’s hands, and still be sad about it’s timing.

But time has moved on and so have we. 7 months of physical therapy has helped me regain so much strength in my neck, but I’m still surprised at the weakness that is left. The muscle spasms still overwhelm me sometimes and the neck and head pain, unfortunately, are present in many of my days. They don’t define, me though. What would life be without perspective? I can take each day as it comes because there is still much more to be happy about that there is to be sad about.

This all came flooding back because I sat in choir on Sunday night and we sang our first Christmas song. I was surprised to find myself sobbing buckets about 3 lines in. Like, ugly cry. Christmas has always been my absolute favorite. But last year, I couldn’t hold up my head for Christmas and for most of it, I was so drugged, I don’t even remember it. Friends decorated my tree and fed my family, and just took care of us, so that things would seem slightly normal for my child. And while singing, I remembered that a mere 10 days after this:

I dragged myself onto stage to sing this in our Christmas program:

I don’t even remember it. I just remember that I did it and I wanted to so bad because it made me feel normal. No wonder my husband thought I was crazy. I’m not really looking forward to facing Christmas again, and remembering all of that sadness. Isn’t it funny how music and smells can bring back memories? I resent that this tarnished Christmas some. So, I suppose we will have to work extra hard this year to gain it back. I will start with pulling those decorations out of boxes myself, with my precious family. God willing, with no one ailing on the couch. Please, Lord!

So, here’s to starting a brand new fall and winter season! Hopefully one that is drastically different from last year!

THE Book

Oh Dear Lord in Heaven help me. For, The Book has gulped me up and swallowed me.
🙂

If you have been following our adoption saga, and let’s just call it that, because we are nowhere near actually adopting, then you know that this is getting kind of funny. I posted a status on Facebook 2 days ago that said this: “Just got approval to order our adoption profile book and send it to the agency! Squeeee!!! When we get that homestudy in the mail we will officially be a waiting family. ticktock” –Famous last words! If you don’t know, The Book is our profile book. When you adopt domestically (through our agency, at least), they ask you to prepare a book that will tell the birth parents about your family. When families’ preferences match up, birth parents are presented with a couple or three books, and based on those profiles, they (or she, because honestly, most of the time it’s a birth mother) makes a decision about what couple she would like to meet. NO PRESSURE ABOUT THE BOOK, right?? In training, they showed us some samples and let us look through them to get ideas, and many were made on photo websites so that you can just take your digital photos and transfer them in. It’s also recommended that you included a letter to the expectant parents, and some specific descriptions about yourself and your spouse.

Needless to say, I’ve taken the job to heart. It’s been edited to death by friends. But most were editing with their hearts, which was sweet (:)), so I has to request the help of some to edit with their brains too. It’s been funny. I mean, I’m pretty sure 20 people looked at that book before someone caught that I had put three s’s in the word “embarrassed” (and misspelling “embarrassed” is ironic). However, it has to be approved by a social worker at the agency before it can be ordered. I think she’s mostly just looking through it to identify anything that might compromise our anonymity, because she pretty quickly gave me the go ahead. Luckily, I didn’t go ahead. I wrung my hands, had more anxiety, and asked a friend to edit it, again. Then I continued to compulsively work on it as I have for the past 8 weeks. The link must have been passed to another SW in the agency, because the next day I received a message from her, asking if we could chat about it. Frankly, I was grateful that someone was going to take the time to give me some more feedback and worried that she was going to tell me exactly what I was already thinking. And she did.

We finally talked today for a long time. She is the SW who did our training, so she knows us and I think might have felt more comfortable than usual being straightforward. For that I am very grateful, because I know that her advice comes from years of firsthand experience with birthmoms. I’m not going to tell you everything she told me, but the main gist of it was that our book might be overwhelming to a birth mother and that I need to reign it in a bit. I suspected this. She helped me figure out how I could, um, simplify, in some specific ways without compromising the style of the book, and still showing who we are as a family.

So, now I have to spend the weekend compulsively working on The Book so that it doesn’t look like I’ve been compulsively working on this book.

At the end of my conversation with the SW, I said something to her that I’ve said to many people: “I suppose I’ve gone a bit overboard with The Book because it’s the only thing I have any control over in this whole process.”

Silly, silly me. All day I’ve been thinking about that statement. Ah, the illusion of control. Yes, God, I will once again allow you to pry my white knuckled hands off of this process and remember that you are faithful, and fully capable of overcoming my Shutterfly photobook oversharing deficiencies.

Are We There Yet?

I have been putting in some serious hours at home and at the actual office doing physical therapy for this very stubborn neck of mine. Surgery was December 5th, and while the disc is fully fused and my spine is healed, the muscles are still angry. My physical therapist said they felt like guitar strings on the first day. For someone who doesn’t hold much back, I actually have been private about some of my recovery struggles. Every day I have to will myself to be positive. At one doctor’s visit, while discussing some of my issues, he looked at me and said very matter-of-factly, “Kathryn, yes, of course this is difficult. You are disabled.” I don’t think he meant to bring me down. He has actually be an incredible physician. But I think he knew that until I saw this as a long-term issue, and re-adjusted my expectations, I was going to continue living in a constant state of disappointment. Which is true. I struggle everyday, because I’m never sure if I’m setting realistic goals for myself or not, and when I can’t meet them, I’m devastated.

So, saving some of the ugly details, am just going to tell you that things haven’t been all roses at View from the Hills. It will still be quite some time before my neck understands how to hold up my head properly and we will continue to teach it, day by day. I keep wanting to share, but sometimes, when your emotions are too raw, it gets so hard. Yet I love this little blog. I love hearing that other people understand (or don’t, too). I love looking back over the years to see what has changed. I love talking about how God is moving in my life, most of all, because His hand is everywhere-if I allow it.

About a week ago, in the car, during an especially painful day, I had several things on my mind. Lately I’ve been wondering how and when we will be able to adopt now that we have been railroaded. We thought we would be a “waiting family” (with a completed homestudy) by the new year, and here we were, still waiting to schedule our final interviews. I was listening to a song that I am getting ready to sing in church (music MUST be my Love Language). The song is called Lay It Down, referring to the scripture that tells us to cast all of our cares on the Lord, because He cares for us (Psalm 55:22). While I was listening to that, I was relating it to what I had just studied, a very simple yet profound concept, about how important it is to call out to God in times of trouble. Praying is not a new concept to me, however, I realized that I had not given this very big thing to Him. I’m much better at remembering to pray for other people, because, sometimes their troubles just seem more…troublesome. In fact, as I drove along and prayed, I told God something very true and hard to even write out: I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t even know what it meant to “cast*this particularly cumbersome*burden on Him”. That is religious talk that I have to admit I do not understand how to actually live it, so I told that to God out loud in my minivan. I cried then, and I’m crying now. I mean, it’s not like I can stop doing my part. It’s not like I can stop needing medication for pain. It’s not like I know when or how I should complete the homestudy. So what is the “casting”? I think God is ok with our honesty, because even in my frustration, my goal really, truly is His glory. It is. I want to get on with the things that I know we as a family were called to do and it makes me crazy that I am barely capable of shopping for groceries for my family! How can I do God’s work if I can’t hold my head up?? I kept thinking of this verse:

verse 9

Really!? How can I praise you in this condition?? Of course, we all know that that is a ridiculous question. Our God can bring beauty from ashes. Who am I to judge what condition I have to be in to praise Him? However, I do know that we have been called to be adoptive parents, and I know that I will not be approved to be one without healing, so I have become very impatient.

I came to the conclusion that to cast this particular burden on him (this heaping pile of burden) means to say that I will continue to do my part, trusting that You, God, are sovereign. You are in control. I will not fret. I will not worry that all is lost, because I have now given up control (as if I ever had it to begin with!).

And then, after a month of depressing monotony, things began happening!

Bring on the Hormones!

A couple of you in particular have been wondering what the heck is happening at the Hills. Our fertility journey has been anything but private, and yet sometimes it feels weird to type up certain words here on the ‘ol blog. Some still even approach me, wondering if their questions are too invasive. They’re not. We have found it quite therapeutic to discuss what is happening in our lives. It helps with questions like, “When are you going to give that child a sibling?” and when people say “Looks like it’s about time for another one!”. No crap. Tell it to my uterus. It shuts people up real quick when you respond with, “We’d love to have another, but we appear to be infertile.”

Really though, it appears that way. But the situation is not yet hopeless. And if we’re being honest, it never will be. There will always be babies out there needing parents to love them. If we can’t make one of our own, I feel pretty confident that we’ll be able to find one that needs us and much as we need him or her.

In the meantime, there’s been a lot happening. We thought we had another chemical pregnancy about a month ago. In reality, we probably had (several) false positives. After a visit to my OB and some google “research”, I’ve learned that the Target and Walgreens brand pregnancy tests are notorious for looking positive, sometimes even within the 5 minute window. After that, I’m quite sure I should have thrown them away, and instead I stared at them for 15 more minutes wondering what to do as the line turned more and more obvious. I’ve learned that the brands with the pink ink (very technical, I know) are FAR less likely to turn into a false positive and I have no idea why (the blue ink bleeds through, I’m guessing?). Just know that I have now taken many, many tests, which is about as extensive as this scientific study goes. This experience was just as annoying and devastating as you can imagine it was, so I won’t spell it out.

Luckily, right after this, we were headed to our appointment with a brand new specialist. A friend recommended we see her reproductive endocrinologist at Hopkins. He specializes in fertility and he’s the first doctor we’ve seen who has listened when I explained that we DO NOT want to do IVF. Is that so hard to comprehend? Upon his examination, he immediately found a cervical polyp. He removed it and sent it to the lab. He said that that alone could be a barrier to fertility. We were stunned at how simple that was. And don’t ask me how this has been missed at previous exams. Past that, everything seemed normal, and he could see that I had just ovulated. We all decided that the next simple step would be to go on progesterone. Low progesterone is a pretty common fertility issue. My cycles are fairly short, which was reason enough to wonder if I don’t make enough, causing them to end before an egg has had the chance to implant. The progesterone is taken once we’re SURE ovulation has taken place (ironically, if it’s taken too early it prevents it), and until my cycle is finished. We were able to start it right away. I wish he had mentioned that supplementing progesterone can keep your period from arriving. I am now 6 days late and have, obviously, taken gobs of negative tests. I talked to the nurse yesterday who told me that I can stop the progesterone and my period will arrive. Good to know.

Side note: Dear Shady Grove Fertility Clinic: REALLY?! You couldn’t have suggested this last year?! REALLY?!

We will also be scheduling laproscopy soon as well. That will “round out” our fertility testing, as our doctor says. It will look for any adhesions (possible from an appendectomy 20 years ago) and endimetriosis. These things should have been caught by the previous HSG test last summer, but he said they can definitely be missed.

It’s nice to be moving in a good direction, and to feel like we’re doing something (re)productive. ha. What’s not nice, is feeling like this process is taking over everything again. After 2 years of it, I had quit with all of the temperature charting, ovulation testing and such, and it felt good. We packed away the baby stuff and donated a good chunk of it. We turned the “nursery in waiting” into a guest room and office that is truly my happy place. That felt really good! Now that I’m focusing so much energy on conception again, I have to work really hard to keep my perspective. It becomes easy to focus on what we don’t have, which is ridiculous. Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I just sat and watched my newly 4 year old boy sleep. I prayed and prayed for that sweet boy. I thanked God for giving him to me and asked forgiveness for any moment that my wanting turned to resentment. How many dear friends want just one precious child? I can never, ever lose sight of my blessings. Which reminds me of a song that I keep hearing on the radio by Laura Story, called (you guessed it) Blessings. I underlined the line at the end that makes me cry every time.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The Crib Shrine

Blake has determined, all on his own, that he would like to sleep in the “blue room”. The blue room is currently our guest room, with a queen size bed in it. He currently sleeps in his crib, which has been converted to a toddler bed. It’s really too small for him. We’ve had intentions, for over a year, to make that his room. I didn’t realize until recently what has held us back. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, but I’ve been waiting to get pregnant. Moving Blake into a big boy room means having an empty nursery. We are going to get him bunk beds, so it’s not like I’m going to keep the nursery in its current state for guests (although I find the plane mobile soothing). I honestly never thought we would have to pack up that crib and put it in the attic. I fear a breakdown on the day we do. I thought we would just keep using it, and keep filling up our house. I then mentioned to Stu that we would also need to paint over the green and brown stripes that we (painstakingly) painted in preparation for Blake. His face crumbled. He thought we could leave it up for the next baby. Those stripes are only appropriate in a. A nursery or b. A circus themed guest room.

Another decision we’ve been considering is selling our van. I chuckle today at the girl, 2 years ago (me), who bought that van in preparation for my big family. Oh silly, naive girl who thinks she controls her own destiny. That van has taunted us with problems since the day we bought it. All small, yet very annoying, problems. And most of all, if we’re going to be a family of 3, I could easily drive something more fuel-efficient and save ourselves some real cash. I mean, in all honesty, I love that stupid van so you may find me driving another one just like it (hopefully with less problems), but it really doesn’t make the most sense.

So the question tumbling around my head is this: Do we move on with our life as a family of 3? Can I go ahead and paint the nursery, pack up the crib, and buy a fuel-efficient car? With the baby stuff accumulating in our storage, I’m pretty tempted to have a yard sale. Or is that a lack of faith?  But faith in what? That I’ll get a baby? God hasn’t promised me that. I trust that God is right and good, no matter what. Even if I (gulp) don’t get what I want. So, I know that moving on, and trying to make the best decisions I can, does not really show a lack of faith. I know it will not be the reason I do or do not get another baby. But the way we are living feels silly sometimes. When it comes down to it, waiting on God’s perfect timing can just feel so difficult because our brains are so very finite. I can’t wrap my brain around a big plan. I just want to know if I should sell the van.

In a book I’m reading (Passion & Purity, by Elizabeth Elliot), something really struck me. She was talking about the painful and lonely wait that she went through, wondering if she would ever marry and if it would be to the man that she loved. We are all waiting for different things, but God doesn’t make us wait to torture us. Sometimes it’s the only way we will learn and grow (we are so stubborn like that, eh?). She said this:

“How will we educate our tastes for heavenly things if we are surfeited with earthly?” She goes on to explain: “My heart was saying, ‘Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’

Her story is famous because her wait became part of an amazing story. Had she not been faithful during that wait, she wouldn’t have reaped such a joyous reward.

God is Great, God is good…

…Let us thank Him for our food.  By His hands, we are fed, thank you God for daily bread.  Amen.

This is the prayer we taught Blake about a year ago as our “dinner prayer”.  And quite typically, my little lover of routine asks to do it before every meal.  If we forget, he will remind us.  The problem with the cute little prayer is that now when other people offer a personal prayer before a meal, he can hardly stand it.  He will wiggle and wiggle through it and ask to do “his prayer” afterwards.  So, as a new adaptation, we have started adding some personalization to “his prayer”.  I don’t want him to see prayer as a motion we go through.  I want him to understand that the Creator of Heaven and Earth wants to talk to him.  So, after “Amen”, we will each take a turn thanking God for something.  He’s not really been amused with the change in his routine.  Mostly, he was tolerating it and would thank God for whatever I thanked Him for. 

But today, as we left Costco with our lunch on the go, he asked to pray in the car.  Sure, so I turned around and we said the prayer that Blake loves.  At the end, I offered, “Thank you God for the money to buy groceries.”  And when his turn came, I was thrilled to hear that he’s getting it.  Here was Blake’s:

“Thank you God for Costco.  Thank you God for hot dogs.  Thank you God for lemonade.  Thank you God for preschool.  Thank you God for the trees and outside.  Thank you God for home.”

Amen.

Come and sit a spell…

That’s how my Grandma used to say it.  And what I mean is, this could take a while.

A long time ago, I wrote a blog discussing my faith.  It was slightly controversial, and prompted some interesting comments from a guy I respect.  I spent some time writing up my responses.  And then I filed it away under “documents” and forgot about it.  Here’s the deal.  You know how some people really enjoy a good debate?  I don’t.  Not because I’m shy, or non-confrontational (ha!), but simply because most of the time, I think it’s pointless.  When it comes to my faith, I sometimes feel conflicted on the best way to share it.  I’m passionate about it, but I hate debating it.  I’d rather live it out.  I’d rather have enough credibility with people because I’ve shown them love, that they don’t think I’m Crazy Cathy when I tell them I’m a Holy Rolling, Bible Thumping, Jesus Freak.  heehee.  I just threw that in for fun.  I think if most people spent less time talking about it and more time loving people, Christianity wouldn’t look so odd..  In fact, wasn’t it Paul who said something to the effect of, “Be a witness for Christ at all times.  If necessary, use words.”  That’s paraphrased.  The problem I have with debating religion is that it is faith-based. If my beliefs could be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt, they wouldn’t require faith.  In fact, one thing I’m sure of is that it is probably far easier to choose not to believe in anything, than it is to take the leap that faith requires.  I like the way the Bible defines faith in Hebrews: “Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1

Anyways, A.L., this is directed to you.  But really, it’s directed at anyone who cares.  Here were your comments long ago (this is long, so when I quote you I’m going to use italics to avoid confusion-when quoting scripture, I’ll underline):

Fair enough Kathy

I may be taking advantage by responding to a partial response, but you raise another interesting point. I submit to you that none of us are really living in full accordance with much of the guidance provided in the bible. And for good reason in some cases. Here are some examples:

“Whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery” (Matthew 5:32, 19:9 & Luke 16:18). Translation – it’s a sin to marry a woman after she’s been divorced.

“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak” (1 Corinthians 14:34). Translation – women shouldn’t speak in church.

“And the swine…is unclean…ye shall not eat of their flesh.” (Deuteronomy 14:8). Translation: hold that bacon!

“Let not yours be the outward adorning of braiding of hair, decoration of gold, and wearing of fine clothing” (Peter 3 :3). Translation – better donate those fancy clothes and earrings to charity, post haste!

and finally…

“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room (or closet.) and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret…” (Matthew 6:5-6 RSV). Translation – according to the book of Matthew neither Gene Robinson nor Rick Warren should be praying at the Inauguration!

The point I’m trying to make here is that, while the Bible undoubtedly provides great insights into life, it’s also a very old document pieced together from numerous (sometimes contradictory) sources. So clearly even the most devout of us (except maybe Jesuit monks) routinely defy aspects of the Bible’s teachings in our modern society. We’ve come to accept that men and women are equals, for example, which is not a social concept that many of the writers of the Bible would have agreed with in their time. It’s OK to eat pork now because we now know how store and cook it properly (used to cause trigonosis, so it was best to avoid in those days). So this all begs the question – on what basis does one make the decision about what to follow from the bible and what’s to be ignored?

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Answering any of this in short-version would, in my eyes, be an injustice.  Let me say also that, although I am speaking particularly to one person, he has not in any way offended me or even annoyed me by asking these questions.  I’m glad he did, and I’m glad to have the opportunity to explain, in lengthy fashion (sorry!), my beliefs.

OK, the simple answer to your last question is, none of it.  None of it should be ignored.  It should, however, be looked at as whole-not chopped into pieces and taken out of context.  And the problem is, I can sit here and discuss each and every scripture you brought up (and will), but that is a game we could play forever, given the length of the Bible.  Every statement in the Bible is not necessarily written as a command. It is a massive, complex book full of stories, and history, and definitely commands and principles to live by.  If you truly want to understand it, you must put everything in it’s context.  Let’s start with this one:

“And the swine…is unclean…ye shall not eat of their flesh.” (Deuteronomy 14:8). Translation: hold that bacon!

It’s important to know what’s happening in Deuteronomy, God is giving instructions to the Israelites on how to live as civilized people, something they had never really been taught how to do.  They were wandering in the wilderness and didn’t understand what foods were safe, and how to stay clean and disease free.  Much of Leviticus and Deuteronomy is God speaking to the Israelite nation through Moses. These books also include meticulous instructions on how to atone for sin in those days, which involved sacrificing an innocent perfect animal-this is not an act we are called to today as Christians (and that is explained by the Bible-a fact that some people ignore when they claim that the Bible is contradictory). It was meant to symbolize, though, how severely God looked upon sin, and to drive home the point that there was always a price to pay for sin, there had to be atonement.  Can you imagine the practice of having to slice an innocent (not to mention valuable), animal’s throat in order to be forgiven for your sin and to maintain your relationship with God?  That caused them to not look lightly upon disobeying God, which I am sure was his point.  It was serious business.  But sending Jesus was an act of mercy on God’s part.  A way of showing us that He wanted a closer relationship, but there was still a great price to pay in order to atone for all of the sins of mankind.  God is holy.  He cannot look upon sin, and atonement through sacrifice was the only way we could be righteous enough to have a relationship with Him.  Jesus was the ultimate symbol of innocence, the ultimate perfect lamb.  This is something I believed on faith as a child, but really came to understand as an adult when I began looking at the Bible as one WHOLE book.

But getting back to some of these old testament scriptures.  Of course they’re outdated, Jesus made many of the old laws and rules obsolete, an issue which is addressed in the New Testament.  That doesn’t make the Bible contradictory or something to be ignored.  It should to be read in context though.  While these were good principles (you’re right, eating pork made the people very susceptible to illness), they are not the laws we are all called to live by as Christians today.  In Colossians 2, Paul discusses how Jesus’ coming to earth and becoming the ultimate sin sacrifice changed our religion.

Col 2:13-15  When you were dead in your sins, and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ.  He forgave us all our sins, having cancelled the written code (those Old Testament Laws), with its regulations, that was against us and stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross.  And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.

Galatians 3 and 4 talks about this exclusively, so I’m not going to paste the whole book.  I’ll in include this though, from 3:22-25:

“But the Scripture declares that the whole world is a prisoner of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe.  Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law.”

I’ll paraphrase what Paul was trying to say there, but I really hope you read it.  He wrote this after Jesus died, rose from the dead, and returned to heaven.  People were still clinging to The Law to such extreme measures that Paul was frustratedly trying to explain to them that Jesus had become the Ultimate Sacrifice, and that they no longer had to justify themselves through works.  All God wanted from them (and us now) is to have faith.  To believe.  God is pure and holy and cannot have a close personal relationship with us when we have sin in our lives.  The Old Law had a system in place for people to literally pay a price (a sacrifice) for their sins, in order to be justified in God’s eyes and to continue a relationship with Him.  When God sent Jesus to be crucified, He very much meant for us to realize that this perfect man was becoming a human sacrifice for the sins of mankind.  All he requires of us now is to believe in Jesus, in order to once again be justified in His eyes so that we could not only have a relationship with Him while on earth, but He makes it clear that it is that simple belief that will determine whether or not be will spend eternity with Him in heaven.  It is simply accepting the gift, the payment for our own sins, that negates the Old Law. Paul is trying to explain to them in these chapters that their works will not save them, only their faith in Jesus.  On a personal note, I’m so grateful.  I truly have a relationship with the Most High God because of Jesus’ sacrifice.  I have done (and still do) such stupid, awful things that would no doubt make me unworthy to commune with God Himself. But the fact that I am fallible does not make the Bible fallible.  I find it extremely humbling that all I have to do to be worthy again is to ask be forgiven, since the price-the sacrifice was already made.  How, oh how, does that make Christianity the exclusive religion that people claim it to be?  It is open to all, and does not require the lifelong burden or trying to be good enough on our own.  I find that to be so freeing.

Romans 14 also addresses the eating thing. There are many places that do, after Jesus died, in order to clarify that His death on the cross and atonement for ALL of our sins freed us from many of those old written codes.

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“Whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery” (Matthew 5:32, 19:9 & Luke 16:18). Translation – it’s a sin to marry a woman after she’s been divorced.

First of all, that scripture quote is incomplete.  The WHOLE verse says, “Anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.”

I don’t know what to say about this except that it’s pretty straightforward.  God does intend marriage to be for life.  Just because our society refuses to acknowledge it anymore, doesn’t mean you can label it outdated.  He does (mercifully) give you an out in the marriage in the case of adultery, because in God’s eyes, that has caused the marriage to no longer be between two people.  I’m trying not to get on a tangent on this one, because I know LOTS of divorced people, and just like any other issue in their life, this one is between them and God.  I’m not in any place to judge, and I know that God is loving, forgiving, and merciful, so they are certainly not lost.  But, still, the principle is clear.  Disagreeing with it doesn’t discredit it.

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“Let not yours be the outward adorning of braiding of hair, decoration of gold, and wearing of fine clothing” (1 Peter 3 :3). Translation – better donate those fancy clothes and earrings to charity, post-haste!

Again, put this in context before you translate it.  Let’s keep reading in order to understand what that means:

^“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

You could read on.  The point is that outward adornment is not where your beauty should come from.  It still isn’t.  I put make-up on every day (well, mostly), but if I’m a rude, offensive person, who cares?  I have a pair of awesome pink boots, but if I ever think that having cool clothes is what makes me beautiful, then you’re right, I should get rid of them quickly.  In fact, in the case of the rich man who loves his wealth Jesus advises him to sell all he has if he wants to be in heaven (Matthew 19).  You could quickly take this out of context (and people do, regularly) to say that Jesus says we shouldn’t have money or nice things.  But in reading on, you will see that Jesus calls us to give up ANYTHING that we value more than him.  He’s teaching priorities.  God wants us to find our worth in Him, in goodness.  And yet he obviously has nothing against wealth, because there are many instances in the Bible in which God blesses people with wealth.

Anyways, as for 1 Peter, isn’t it clear that this might even be where the old adage, “beauty is on the inside” comes from?  My old pastor growing up used to explain that as long as our priority was what is inside, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to look nice.  “For goodness sake, if the barn needs some paint, put some paint on it!” haha.

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“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak” (1 Corinthians 14:34). Translation – women shouldn’t speak in church.

This is a topic that deserves more attention than I can give it.  Honestly, I struggle myself to make heads or tails of it.  I’ll give you 2 perspectives on it.  But I’ll also tell you that this issue, to me, is not big enough to challenge my basis of faith, because as someone who has studied the Bible for my entire life, I have no doubts about my worth in the eyes of God.  First let me put it into context (again).

Verse 35: “If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home, for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in church.”

I did some more digging on this.  When Paul wrote this, he was addressing church problems and solutions.  This chapter was specifically regarding order in the church, and I’m assuming since he addressed it, that women were speaking up regularly with questions or concerns while they were trying to have a church service.  Imagine that.  I know that my inclination to speak up and share my “humble” opinion is a desire I have to squelch on a regular basis.  Therefore most people believe Paul was making an effort to set up an orderly system to their church services.

Now, here’s another perspective.  Read the next verses:

verse 37-40:  Did the word of God originate with you? Or are you the only people it has reached? If anybody thinks he is a prophet or spiritually gifted, let him acknowledge that what I am writing to you is the Lord’s command. If he ignores this, he himself will be ignored. Therefore, my brothers, be eager to prophesy, and do not forbid speaking in tongues. But everything should be done in a fitting and orderly way.

Another translation (The Message) says it this way:

Wives must not disrupt worship, talking when they should be listening, asking questions that could more appropriately be asked of their husbands at home. God’s Book of the law guides our manners and customs here. Wives have no license to use the time of worship for unwarranted speaking. Do you—both women and men—imagine that you’re a sacred oracle determining what’s right and wrong? Do you think everything revolves around you? If any one of you thinks God has something for you to say or has inspired you to do something, pay close attention to what I have written. This is the way the Master wants it. If you won’t play by these rules, God can’t use you. Sorry. Three things, then, to sum this up: When you speak forth God’s truth, speak your heart out. Don’t tell people how they should or shouldn’t pray when they’re praying in tongues that you don’t understand. Be courteous and considerate in everything.

In 1 Corinthians 11:5, Paul addresses how women should be dressed conservatively when they pray and prophesy though, which tells me that we, as women, are not just along for the ride, and we are participants in church.  The Bible is clear about roles for men and women in church leadership, marriage, and life.  I believe wholeheartedly that He set those principles in place because He knew that we were created for certain roles, and that we would be most happy that way.  I’m actually in the middle of a Bible Study called “The Excellent Wife” that I love, but it would most certainly tick off a feminist in ways you would not believe.  NOT because the writers of the Bible do not consider us equals. though.  I disagree with that statement.  God does not consider me inadequate because I am a woman.  I honestly don’t know where that comes from, except that many man-made religions (God didn’t create religions) have determined men to be of more value than women.  Maybe the reason people think that is that they believe the Biblical responsibilities given to men are more esteemed, therefore a man’s worth is greater?  I don’t know.  But I do know that just because I am ultimately called to submit to my husband, does not mean my worth is less.  If you really want to take the time to determine how God esteems women, do it.  Look up the many instances between Jesus and the women He met.  He clearly had a great deal of respect for the fairer sex.  I’m more than willing to participate in a study on it.

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“And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room (or closet.) and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret…” (Matthew 6:5-6 RSV). Translation – according to the book of Matthew neither Gene Robinson nor Rick Warren should be praying at the Inauguration!

Ah, now I remember how this debate began.  I have literally copy/pasted this portion in from a website that covered this topic, simply because I see no need to rewrite what this person already said so well (from here: http://www.learnthebible.org/public-prayer.html):

Christ is dealing with a particular practice of the Pharisees. They made a big show of praying so that everyone would know just how spiritual they were. They were proud and ostentatious in their prayers so that others would see them. That is, they took what should have been their private prayer life and made a public show of it so that others would be amazed at their spirituality. This is akin today to those who continually brag on how much time they spend in prayer. Christ was teaching us that our personal prayer life is not to be displayed in public. He was not teaching that there was never an occasion for public prayer.

PUBLIC PRAYER:

Public prayer is common in the Old Testament. Solomon prayed at the dedication of the temple (1Kings 8:22-23). Elijah prayed publicly on Mt. Carmel (1Kings 17:36-37). Ezra prayed before “a very great congregation of men and women and children” (Ezra 10:1). If public prayer is not allowed in the New Testament, it is definitely a change in what God allows.

However, we continue to see public prayer practiced in the New Testament even after the teaching of Matthew 6:6. Christ prayed publicly before He raised Lazarus from the dead (John 11:41-42) as well as on other occasions. Paul kneeled and prayed with the Ephesian elders before he left them (Acts 20:36). And although we receive few clear statements about the order of worship in the early churches, an important piece of information is found in 1Corinthians 14:15-16, which states:

Corinthians 14:15-16 So what shall I do? I will pray with my spirit, but I will also pray with my mind; I will sing with my spirit, but I will also sing with my mind. If you are praising God with your spirit, how can one who finds himself among those who do not understand say “Amen” to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying? You may be giving thanks well enough, but the other man is not edified.

If you carefully read this passage, you will see that Paul stresses the importance of praying with understanding so that those who occupy the room of the unlearned can say Amen at the giving of thanks. This passage makes sense only in the context of public prayer. If no one is listening, then how could anyone say Amen? Other statements hint at the presence of public prayer in the early churches, but this one clearly shows that it was practiced.

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This really could go on and on.  I LOVE the Word of God.  I mean that.  It speaks LIFE to me.  It is alive. I find hope and love and joy in it.  I actually have a very difficult time not taking offense when people hatch it up and insult it (and let’s be clear, I know your intention is not to insult, I really do).  I’m just saying that because it is precious to me, I struggle for the best way to defend it.  I’m no scholar, but I have spent my entire life learning this Bible.  Anyone who wants to take real issue with it needs to study it objectively.  Believing in Jesus requires a great deal of faith, but God does not expect us to be idiots and follow blindly.  He gives us real information to stand on.  Not to mention the peace I have when I know, in my core that God Himself is communicating with me daily through it.  I’m aware that to most people, that statement makes me sound like a crazy person.  I hope you know me well enough by now, though, to give me a little credit.  I mean, really, if we could fully understand God, would He be God?  I wouldn’t want to worship a God that my little mind could fully understand, that would make Him far too small.

The Bible can’t just “provide great insights into life”, and Jesus can’t just be a good guy.  Many years before Jesus came, Isaiah prophesied that Jesus would be the cornerstone of our religion, and yet that cornerstone would be a stumbling block for many.  People want to believe in God, I think that’s the easy part.  But belief in Jesus involves putting away your pride and admitting that our selfish behavior can’t be justified on our own.  Jesus said clearly that He was the Son of God and that belief in Him was and is the only way to heaven.  You can’t ignore that part of his teaching, it was why the people wanted him dead, and still hate him today.  That’s why C.S. Lewis said this in Mere Christianity:

“A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic – on the level with a man who says he is a poached egg – or he would be the devil of hell. You must take your choice. Either this was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us.”

The Wiggles

You can see here that I constantly compare my relationship with God to my relationship with my own child.  If he was a God who could get tired, I would probably exhaust him.

One thing I have learned by embracing my position as God’s child, is that He strongly desires time with me.  I can relate, because I want to grab my boy constantly and just squeeze him into the most obnoxious bear hug.  But, dang, he is so wiggly!!  I joke that his hugs are springloaded.  He’ll cooperate, for a moment.  I get about a tenth of a second of cuddling before he springs off of me and moves on to the next thing.  He really can’t be bothered to snuggle up to me when there are too many other exciting adventures to be had.  Oh, except when he’s hurt.  Or sick.  Then, it’s a different story.  Then, he needs my undivided attention.  He needs to be held, coddled, and loved.  For the love of Pete, I do the same thing to my Lord all the time.  Things are good, there is fun to be had, and frankly, I just can’t be bothered to sit still and pray to the God of the Universe who wants time with me. But when the going gets tough, we all want a piece of the Almighty God.  We all want to know that he will save us in the bad times.  In fact, I’ve heard many, who never seek Him otherwise, cry out, “Where is God??” “How can He let this happen?”  He’s there, He’s been wondering where YOU are.  Be careful not to accuse a God you haven’t bothered to meet of having character flaws.  Getting to know Him when the going is good really helps to understand why sometimes He allows things to go badly.  I needed that reminder this morning, as I struggled to love on my wiggly toddler.

He loves us people!!  He just wants us to love Him back.  Seriously, is this not great news??

“How great is the love that the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” 1 John 3:1.

I saw this one the other day and it made me so happy, I had to put it on my fridge:

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

Good grief.  The Creator of Heaven and Earth rejoices over me with singing!  If that doesn’t pick up your day, I don’t know what will.

Wheezy B

Blake got sick.  Again.

This time it was pretty bad.  He was admitted to the hospital for 2 days while we struggled with high fevers, low oxygen levels, wheezing, and coughing.  We got to go home today, with many diagnoses written on his discharge sheet.  They include the flu, RSV, and bronchiolitis.  He really scared us this time, and the nights were just plain awful.  I spent alot of time talking to God in the nights (nighttime is really long when you’re awake for all of it-a fact I recalled from his infancy).  I was reminded constantly that as much as I love this sweet boy, God loves him more and that is a very comforting thing to know.  The nights were spent watching his oxygen level and praying it wouldn’t dip under 90.  When it would we would hurry to turn the alarms off and hold the oxygen right in his face.  If it wasn’t so serious, it would have been comical: us doing our best to manipulate his numbers while keeping oxygen in the face of a very grumpy 2 year old who flopped around constantly.  Between that and trying to manage all of his wires while he flopped, we were busy.

Anyways, we are so very happy to all be in our beds tonight.  Please continue to pray that his body heals this week, I am still terrified that he could come down with a secondary bacterial infection, like pneumonia.  We also have some specialists to see in order to trying to determine why Wheezy B is so wheezy, and why he seems to be so susceptible to everything.  Most likely, it is what it is.  But the doctor really encouraged us try to rule out any other issues.

Some highlights:

-B kept calling the nurses Dr. Seuss.  (He knew we were going to see a doctor, and he’s a big Cat in the Hat fan, I guess things got confusing)

-He started saying “Mommy hug you” or “Deda hug you” when he wanted to be held.  Precious.

-Internet access and an itouch for when you can’t sleep but you have a 40 pounder sleeping on you.

-Our friends have been spoiling us rotten.  We have been reminded of how many people love us and Blake here.  You really wouldn’t believe how awesome our friends are.

-We were able to skpye in the hospital, so Migi felt like she got to come visit too.

-Blake telling everyone hi, thank you, and all done at all the right times.  Sometimes through tears.  Impeccable manners.

-Modern medicine. As inclined as I am to feel sorry for myself, I can’t help but think that babies used to die of conditions like this.  I am so grateful for nebulizers and steriods and motrin.

– Blake, talking in his sleep, saying “High Five Winnie da Pooh.”

-These scrubs:

I’m sure there are more, but for now I’ll just share a few more pictures.  I’m sleepy.

This is how Blake chose to manage our space: shove Mom into the rail and give most of the bed space to Tuck, Ming Ming and Monkey (that blanket rolled up above his head is holding the oxygen “blow by” tube.  We spend hours holding it in face, but eventually had to give up and put the nasal canula on him.  He hated it just as much a we suspected he might):

He’s a hard kid to hold down:

This thing really ticked him off too:

Thanks Aunt Didi for Blake’s “flu tent.”  He liked watching movies in it once we got home: