Blake has determined, all on his own, that he would like to sleep in the “blue room”. The blue room is currently our guest room, with a queen size bed in it. He currently sleeps in his crib, which has been converted to a toddler bed. It’s really too small for him. We’ve had intentions, for over a year, to make that his room. I didn’t realize until recently what has held us back. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, but I’ve been waiting to get pregnant. Moving Blake into a big boy room means having an empty nursery. We are going to get him bunk beds, so it’s not like I’m going to keep the nursery in its current state for guests (although I find the plane mobile soothing). I honestly never thought we would have to pack up that crib and put it in the attic. I fear a breakdown on the day we do. I thought we would just keep using it, and keep filling up our house. I then mentioned to Stu that we would also need to paint over the green and brown stripes that we (painstakingly) painted in preparation for Blake. His face crumbled. He thought we could leave it up for the next baby. Those stripes are only appropriate in a. A nursery or b. A circus themed guest room.
Another decision we’ve been considering is selling our van. I chuckle today at the girl, 2 years ago (me), who bought that van in preparation for my big family. Oh silly, naive girl who thinks she controls her own destiny. That van has taunted us with problems since the day we bought it. All small, yet very annoying, problems. And most of all, if we’re going to be a family of 3, I could easily drive something more fuel-efficient and save ourselves some real cash. I mean, in all honesty, I love that stupid van so you may find me driving another one just like it (hopefully with less problems), but it really doesn’t make the most sense.
So the question tumbling around my head is this: Do we move on with our life as a family of 3? Can I go ahead and paint the nursery, pack up the crib, and buy a fuel-efficient car? With the baby stuff accumulating in our storage, I’m pretty tempted to have a yard sale. Or is that a lack of faith? But faith in what? That I’ll get a baby? God hasn’t promised me that. I trust that God is right and good, no matter what. Even if I (gulp) don’t get what I want. So, I know that moving on, and trying to make the best decisions I can, does not really show a lack of faith. I know it will not be the reason I do or do not get another baby. But the way we are living feels silly sometimes. When it comes down to it, waiting on God’s perfect timing can just feel so difficult because our brains are so very finite. I can’t wrap my brain around a big plan. I just want to know if I should sell the van.
In a book I’m reading (Passion & Purity, by Elizabeth Elliot), something really struck me. She was talking about the painful and lonely wait that she went through, wondering if she would ever marry and if it would be to the man that she loved. We are all waiting for different things, but God doesn’t make us wait to torture us. Sometimes it’s the only way we will learn and grow (we are so stubborn like that, eh?). She said this:
“How will we educate our tastes for heavenly things if we are surfeited with earthly?” She goes on to explain: “My heart was saying, ‘Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’
Her story is famous because her wait became part of an amazing story. Had she not been faithful during that wait, she wouldn’t have reaped such a joyous reward.
View From The Hills 