I’m still not pregnant. I have refained from writing about this for several reasons, but I find it to be the most therapuedic outlet. Putting tangible words to my feelings feels so good, and I don’t fully understand why. However, one of the reasons I hate talking about it is that people insinuate that this deep longing equates to stress and dissatisfation with my life. With the absolute best of intentions, everyone wants to advise me to relax. Please know the irony of my next statemnt is not lost on me: When people tell me to relax, I want to “type-scream”: I AM RELAXED!!! Inhale. Exhale. In all reality, I really, truly am quite content. I know that having a longing in my heart cannot be allowed to morph into dissatisfaction. That is where these feelings can be dangerous. Dissatisfaction could lead to ingratitude, and to me, there’s nothing worse than an ingrate.
I would achieve the perfect state if I were able to decipher my own selfish emotions from the God-given desires of the heart. I know, from past experience, that God places the appropriate desires in our heart when we are walking closely to him and letting his Holy Spirit guide us. My prayer, daily, is that I know his voice so well that the longings of my heart fit into his purposes for my life. I pray that he would take this longing from me, if it is never to be fulfilled. If he wants for us to adopt a child, instead, I’m more than willing. He hasn’t ignited that fire in me, though, and I fervently pray he will when the time is right.
Yesterday, after taking another negative pregnancy test, I headed off to Tuesday morning Bible study (feet may have been dragging ever so slightly). What a gift those Tuesday mornings are! There, I find a community of women who are of many different ages, ethnicities, upbringings, callings, marital statuses, and even types of mothers. I study with women who have birthed their own large families, women who have adopted their whole beautiful families from this country and other countries, by taking in children at ages ranging from infancy to grown kids. I study with women who have never even been able to have one beautiful child, whose longings must feel a thousand times more insurmountable than mine. Some of the women have been blessed with children, only to have them taken back to heaven all too quickly. Watching the strength of their faith makes me catch my breath. Some are battling life threatening illnesses, and some are concerned with finding work for them or their husbands. Several in our group are actively working to improve the lives of drug addicted people, feed and clothe the homeless, care for and counsel terrified pregnant girls, and some are not there often because they have commited their lives to full time ministry as missionaries. When people accuse Christians of not caring about social issues, I usually chuckle at the fact that they clearly don’t hang out with many Christians. The women I spend time with on a regular basis completely humble me. We are so different. Yet we all have a common goal: to draw closer to God. With that common goal, we find a beautiful bond to one anotherr. It’s the perfect place to be when I’m finding myself completely confused and exasperated. If you are a believer who is not regualrly spending time with people who will encourage you in your faith, I know for a fact that you are more and more susceptible to doubt and lies. Just yesterday morning, I found myself asking a tiny little question that is a seed of doubt: “Does God care?” They can see my struggle and they remind me of what is true: God cares deeply. God has good plans for my family, and there is still so much to be learned from this wait.
We’re studying the birth of Christ and just learned about how Mary, when told that she would be the mother of God’s Son, exhibited amazing faith. She believed God and submitted immediately. Yet, in his great mercy, he still told her how she could find earthly confirmation for her amazing experience. He told her that her (barren) cousin Elizabeth, in her old age, had also concieved a baby. The scripture says that Mary hurried to her cousin (no short journey). On that journey, she must have wondered a couple of times if she was crazy. maybe she questioned if that announcement from the angel really happened, or if she had had an amazing dream. But then she got to Elizabeth’s house. Upon hearing Mary’s greeting, it says that the baby in Elizabeth’s womb lept and that she immediately prophesied what Mary alreadey knew: that she was carrying the Son of God. In God’s mercy, he provided a friend for Mary with whom she could commiserate during such an intense time in both their lives. He let her have real and earthly confirmation. He’s good to us. I’m glad he gave us friendship.