Self: This is your life

I’m sad that I have another story for you which involves poop.  I really am.  But, you’ve been warned.

Today was a rainy, dark, muggy day.  I thought for sure B would nap.  But instead, he found many other things to do from the confines of his bed.  One of them was to fill his diaper.  note to self: pottytrain!!  I could smell this diaper from the hallway (with the door closed!).  When I went to change him I noticed that it had leaked everywhere.  Normally that is reason enough to flip out, but it was also bright red.  All of it.  I changed him, cleaned him up, changed sheets, all while keeping my cool and mostly wanting to scream, “Why is there blood in your stool??!?!?”  Of course, I called his pediatrician immediately.  I had already racked my brain for anything he could’ve eaten, but frankly, in all my 3 years of diaper changing, I’ve never seen this brilliant shade of red.  I called his preschool to ask if maybe he ate red playdough?  Red paint?  Please tell me he ate something red!  I called Stu, to see if he could remember anything.  Nothing.  The doctor was understandably alarmed.  We already had an appointment for flu shots that night (btw-ouch), so she said to bring in the diaper (ew) and they would test it.  This gave me 2 hours to imagine what was wrong with my baby.  A dear friend advised me not to google it.  Um, duh, already did.  She’s right though, I shouldn’t have.

Finally, at 5:30, we are on our way to the doctor.  Stinky diaper was triple bagged in my purse, and I’m positive I could still smell it.  B is happily singing along to whatever’s on the radio.  I look at him in the rearview mirror and my sweet boy flashes me the most adorable, giant smile.  I think to myself, “Poor kid is red all over.  That red velvet cake stained his teeth red and his hiney is stained red too.”  And then, I pull over the car to put it all together.  Red teeth?!  How the fruitnut did I forget that I let my child eat a red velvet cupcake for breakfast?!  And who knew that his body could dislike food coloring with such intensity?!

So, I had to explain to the doctor that, although B normally consumes a very healthy diet, I gave him cake for breakfast.  And then forgot that I did it.

Speaking of forgetting.  I just realized that that diaper is still in my purse.  Have. mercy.


4 thoughts on “Self: This is your life

  1. You are so funny – love reading your blog! I’m glad B was OK. I have to say we had a similar experience with a green Oscar the Grouch cookie from Giant. Google ‘green poop’ and the results are probably equally as terrifying! Ahhh, parenthood.

  2. Haha. I am going to start my own publishing company and your blog will be my first project. I am serious when I say that I think this material would sell lots of books. 🙂

    Sounds like you need a nice tall glass of mint ice tea perfectly sweetened with those oink packets. The packets!

    Btw, I was in some boring DuPont seminar/continuous improvement workshop over the last two days and at one point during one of the presentations, the presenter asked, “Every body say yes if they have witnessed….blahblahblah” The point is, when he asked Every body say yes, in my head I heard and responded, “Everybody saaaaayyyyyy yeeeeeeeeeees, every body say yes to VBS.” (Spoken like Stu singing to B of course.) 🙂

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