This too shall pass

A couple of people have used this phrase in encouragement over the past couple of days, and I actually think it’s one of the best things you can say to someone in my situation.  I am not one who normally wishes for time to fly, but this week, I find myself glad that it’s always moving.  Every hour that passes is one more in which things can get better.  Although there is always the possibility that they can get worse, odds are that we’ve already hit rock bottom and now we’re moving back up.

Most of you have been following the blog I’m using for updates on my Mom, and if you want details, you’ll have to go there.  Here, though, I feel like I can express a little more about what we’ve been going through.

Open heart surgery is hard.  This is an obvious statement that I had already heard, but until I had to watch my mother undergo this trauma, it hadn’t seemed so real.  I was actually pretty tough the first couple of days.  But last night I cracked.  We went back for our evening visit to the ICU and I had just really hoped for some encouragement.  They had removed the ventilator, which was a marked improvement, but her misery was still so apparent.  My brain knows that she will not remember these drug-filled days.  My heart can not come to terms with it.  The extremely slow recovery is going to be a difficult, emotional road.  One by one, family members are going to have to get back to their families and jobs.  All of them wish they could take this on themselves, and would if they could.  But she needed to be here, in Baltimore.  The weight of not knowing if I’ll be able to take care of her well enough is heavy.  And I must remind myself where my help comes from (Psalm 121).

Our hardest struggle has been the balance between getting rest and being at the hospital.  We seem to wear her out when we’re there.  She even managed to kick us out once.  But not being there induces a great deal of guilt gut.  I have no idea how to manage that.  I am aware that sitting in the waiting room for hours on end in case she opens her eyes is not the best way to go about things.  It’s what we all want to do though.  Especially, and understandably, my dad.  I suppose we’ll get better at figuring it out.

I suppose with every hour that passes, maybe things will get better.

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2 thoughts on “This too shall pass

  1. Oh Kathryn – I’m sure that this is one of the hardest things to endure, and we are praying for you everyday. When in doubt about what you should be doing for your mom (sitting and waiting, resting at home, getting “things” done at home), just think about what you would want Blake to be doing if YOU were recovering in the ICU. You would love the visits and the appreciate every single minute of time together, but you would also expect him to take care of himself and his family – and your mom wants the same for you! I so wish that I were local to help you out even in a small way – but know that we send our thoughts and prayers always!

  2. I know exactly how you feel about the inner struggle of where to be, when to rest, eat, even enjoy yourself when someone you love so much cannot… I went through that for 9 long weeks while my little 2lb miracle grew stronger in the NICU. It does pass- but it will be a struggle. I just reminded my self that I was getting rest and getting things in order so that when he did come home it’d be the perfect environment for him…
    I know it is hard- I cried everytime I left him there and the trips back and forth 2 and 3 times a day wear you out…
    Hang in there… You will need your strength to help her recover…
    Its ok- and best to take care of you and your family, too! She’d want/ expect that!! You are in my prayers!!

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